2003-07-05 11:47 p.m.
jesus dries

hello.

my parents are paying an exorbitant amount of money ($150 a night!) to rent a room in this lovely hotel. THe whole point of our stay here is to sit around the pool and socialize with all the other Russians.

Since yesterday, the pool has been shat in four times. and i am not talking baby shit. I am talking huge turds!!!

This morning, we were all swimming peacefully when someone noticed something brown floating in the water. One of the people in our party bravely went off to investigate. We all thought it was a leaf. No, it was a large piece of fecal matter lodged in the water filter. We all sttod around deciding whether to get out of the pool or not. I mean, it is a big pool and the piece of crap wasn't all that huge. Yev came over carrying little max on his shoulders. We told him about the poo. He quickly took max off and started checking max and his own back for signs of poop. Max has a history of having loose bowels in the water, so Yev's fears were not unfounded.

we all went to the jacuzzi (spelling?) and sat around discussing who had pooped in the pool. Some argued that it had been a baby. Some said that it was a small animal. I do not know where that came from, since i had not seen any small animals lurking about the premises. A few minutes later, the final word came down. The fecal matter could not have come from a baby because it was HUGE! The hea dof security assured us that no baby could push out something that big, because it would rip something. Obviousky he had spent the morning on Google.

this all made me very suspicious. what kind of fucked up 10-13 year old/adult/geriatric would do something like this? everyone became a suspect. I was walking to the room we're staying in and passed a large teenage boy wearing a tank top and a white headband. I am convinced he did it. Not only because he looked large and bitter, but because we are in the year 2003 and headbands are out. I am certain that someone came up to him (it's a very elite hotel) and said something along the lines of "cracker, you are out of style. headbands are so twenty years ago!!!" he, being the obsessive compulsive hoodlum he is decided that the only appropriate revenge would be to defecate in the pool on four different occasions. Boy, did he show us.

listen up people: if you own a headband and decide to wear it outside, please do so at your own risk. if someone points out that you're out of synch with the fashion trends of today, listen and acknowledge. Don't go shitting in hotel pools.

especially if my family is paying $150 a day to to swim ther. i will cut you. dig?

peace.

-Mark

whore's hustle / hustler's whore