hello.

Jukey has brought it to my attention that she has not been mentioned in my diary for more than a while. Then shetold me she was worried about me because i sounded depressed.

"I know how you feel" she said. "it's like you think you found someone, and now they're dissapearing."

While it's a nice sentiment, it is not true. I do not think i "found someone". if i had, i would not be anxious/frustrated/more than sligthly pissed off at/with the person. I also assume that the person i had "found" would not make me feel this way. But that is not the issue.

Basically, i myself am the problem. I am trying to justify the complete lack of self-control i exhibited. I am trying to understand why i completely compromised all the "high morals" i claim to have, and just decided to "go for broke", for lack of a better term.

While i admit, it wasn't all my fault. I can't really deny that it happened. And i, who for years have been talking about "the magical two-month rule" and putting sex on such a high pedestal can now join the billions of people who too regret their first sexual experiences. Why? Because apparently i am so insecure that if someone tells me i am attractive i jump into their beds. It used to be much safer.

These are cruel jokes i play on yself.

-Mark